Laughter doeth good like a medicine

by Unsure of author

April 2007

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Me and you is friends:
You smile, I smile.
You hurt, I hurt.
You cry, I cry.
You jump off a bridge, I’m gonna miss you.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

I live in a semi - rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis ?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

You are getting older when…

1. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. Your children begin to look middle aged.
5. You join a Health Club and don’t go.
6. You decide to procrastinate, but then never get around to it.
7. You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
8. You look forward to a dull evening.
9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 Years Ago Today.
10. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
11. Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
12. You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 126 around the golf course.
13. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
14. Dialing a long distance call wears you out.
15. You’re startled when, for the first time, you are addressed as “old timer.”
16. You remember today, that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
17. You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
18. The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
19. You burn the midnight oil at 9 P.M.
20. Your back goes out more often than you do.
21. A fortuneteller offers to read your face.
22. The toys you played with as a child are now collectors’ items.
23. You go into the post office and ask for a penny postcard.
24. The policeman on the corner looks like a kid.
25. Christmas seems to come once every six months.
26. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you sneeze.
27. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
28. You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
29. You have too much room in your house and not enough in your medicine cabinet.
30. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

Why...

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
18. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
19. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
20. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they're okay, then it's you.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a Police officer writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi". He glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

An English woman looking for a room in a village in Switzerland asked the resident schoolmaster to help her. After finding a place that suited her, she returned to London for her luggage. Once there, however, she remembered that she hadn’t asked about a bathroom or “water closet” as she called it. So, she wrote the village schoolmaster with her question, referring to the facility in her letter as a “W.C.”

The schoolmaster puzzled by these initials sought the help of a parish priest. The priest decided that the woman must be asking about a wayside chapel.

You can imagine the woman’s confusion when she received the following letter from the schoolmaster:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a “W.C.” is located about 9 miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of seating 250 people at a time. It is open on Tuesdays, Thursday, and Sundays each week. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Likewise, it may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband for the first time in the “W.C,” and they were later married in the “W.C.”

I would like to say, it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you should decide to come for a visit, perhaps I could go with you, sit with you, and introduce you to other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Yours truly,
The Schoolmaster

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address. The last family that lived here took the numbers with them for the next house. They didn’t want to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. It don’t work. The first day I put a shirt in it, flushed the handle and haven’t seen it since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you was a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons. So I cut them off. You will find them in the pocket.

We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Mama

PS. Was going to send you some money, but the envelop was already sealed.

Trying to do the Job Alone

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block No. 3 of the accident report form, I put “Trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. Now, you said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade and on the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6-storey building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 lbs. of brick left over. Rather than carry the brick down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof slung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 lbs of brick. Now, you will note in block No. 2 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needles to say, I proceeded at rather a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right-hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately, however, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel now weights approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight in block no. 2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter of the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on to the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six storeys above me, I again lost my presence of mind and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope and it came down on me and broke both of my legs.

I hope that I have furnished enough information as to how the accident occurred because you see, I was trying to do the job alone.

You must read this aloud (for the full effect). Just say any unfamiliar words phonetically. It's amazing; you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhkem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. As ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy inglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

Chinese in 5 minutes

[English phrase] — [Chinese Interpretation]
You need a diet. — Yu Chun Ki
Are you harboring a fugitive? — Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse — Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? — Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. — Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. — Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. — Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? — Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. — Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. — Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. — No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? — Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. — Yu So Dum
I got this for free. — Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. — Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. — Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. — Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. — Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. — Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. — Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. — Yu stin ki pu

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